Saturday, January 8, 2011

ME: Is everything alright? HER: "Seriously!?!" Confessions of my year. Personal entry. Building something out of nothing.

It was 2k9, new years eve.  I found myself at the bottom of a very deep hole.  I stood on the fringe of society, shivering.  Drenched in sadness and hopelessness.  Submersed in the crowded streets of a big city.  Surrounded by mobs of people and at the same time totally isolated, feeling withdrawn, disconnected, and lost.  All alone in a family of winos and gutter punks. Throughout all the empty days, spent in dark alleys and cold parking garages, I do remember some kind of light or spec of hope.  Sometimes it was barely flickering.  Never brighter than the cherry on the end of my cigarette.  The hope was always there, but for it to materialize into a thought that I could grasp, it had to take the long journey from the back of my head, where it was buried with all the other..... I'd rather forget.    How did I get here?  Whose blood is this?

A year has come and gone.  I moved out of the big city and back to my home state.  Back to the home I couldn't wait to leave.  When I left and moved away I had a goal, a good reason, a purpose, to"find myself," figure life out.  I wanted to get out of the conservative Christian metropolis I grew up in.  I was unhappy in middle America.  So I did what I always dreamed of doing.  I took the typical route, headed west.  The first two years I genuinely felt happy and excited about life.  Then my-self found me.  I had ran far away, blaming my problems on my geographical location and anybody but myself.  You can only run from yourself for so long.  Eventually you'll weaken and find yourself in the same old place.  Only this time, your thousands of miles away from the family and support that you need when your hit with hard times.  Where am I?  Who are you?

Thank God for the family.  The only people who are always there.  Upon returning I was blessed with a place to stay and a job on my Grandpas farm.  It was great.  Very quiet and peaceful, out in the middle of somewhere.  I didn't really know anybody, so I didn't have a social life.  I got lonely at times, but always found refuge and company on the internet.  I felt 'connected' when I shared music, when I commented on blogs, when I instant messaged or wally to walled.  I put a lot of time and thought into each status update.  Putting forth my best effort, trying to provide my so called "friends" with a glimpse into my life, the farm, the world as I see it.  I soon decided I was 'over' facebook.  For some reason I no longer felt comfortable expressing myself on that website.   Then I started this blog and got a twitter.  On the farm I had more time than ever to search for buzzbands and relevant mp3's.  The worst part about the last year, was the absence of music.  Luckily, once I turned myself into jail, on Valentines day, I was issued my own personal pair of headphones.  Good for tuning into one of three t.v.'s or any radio station. Also good for the batteries that come inside, which are sometimes used for creating a spark when trying to smoke.  I could pick up all the city stations.  The mainstream rap, top 40, alt rock, oldies, all those types.  That was nice.  Well, as nice as it could get in jail.  What have I done?  What are you looking at?

I'm a worthless 20something.  I'm a college dropout who's single.  I have moved from the farm to my parents house in the suburbs.  I bought a macbook pro with my own legitimately earned money.  I learned a lot this past year.  I've experienced unpleasant times that I wouldn't wish upon anybody.  Everything thats happened in 2k10 and the 20something years before, has led me to who and where I am now.  I'm going back to the local community college this spring.  I just got a new job that's going well.  I'm going to take over the world and do really nice things for all people.  I'm going to "drop bombs" on em.  I'm gonna start a electro music project.  I'm probably going to get very rich.  I'm gonna leak the secret information behind the dead birds falling from the sky.  I'm planning on exposing all the corruption inside the government and every other American institution.  I'm going to live the best way I know how.  I'm going to value the simple things, while enjoying the finer things.  The light is brighter.  When did you find it?  Why are you leaving?

I guess I "found myself."  Sitting on this couch writing.  For what?              

I know I can write rhymes.
I can rap.
I can move crowds.
I'm a microphone controller.
I need a beat, gimme a beat.
I have something meaningful to say.

you just got the worst of it and all u smell is roses
I walk the wrong path only time and trouble know us
you sucked the heat all out my hell nearly froze us
I'm exploding out these seams only somber days hopeless
every saint has a past and every sinner a future 
no blood for a rush deep cuts we need to suture
I cant touch a single day no sense gratification
I will follow you out of the dark and onto this great plantation 
we will plant the seeds of life and build an abominable civilization
I've ripped out all the weeds disinfecting this organization 
I'm starting this all over again this time I'm not playing

why do I want to bleed?  you don't ever say please
why is all I write about, starving death, pain and drowning and what I really need?
why did you do it?  what are you doing?  this desert is deserted ruins
stop bending my pages shaking my cages all that I ask is for you to control those rages
if you would just quit this becomes painless
colorless rainbows they shower you with gold
fluorescent eyes see nothing but the colors of your soul
we use it just to get to the bottom of the hole
there's nothing left to clean but the snakes out of the pool
it's the same thing all every single day
it's wordless speech in all everything you say
the ceiling is coming down taking it away
no roots missing nature and the month of may
romance is blooming friendly fires
Gods are ruling holy choirs 
outlaws dueling thieves and liars
subliminal fueling ignorant buyers 
royalty cooling naive squires 
from nothing comes something tires

whats really going on here where have you been?
everyone is looking for you what is you did?
you really fucked up back to the joint is the kid
so tired of being sick and tired smoke goes the lid
another day down toward an unknown future and one day closer to death
we all are going to die what will you leave behind
they'll only remember what you left in between the lines
if I told you to hide where would you go?
if I told you to run would you take it slow?
you got all the people in this place wanting to know
what do you now call home where will you show?

we had the whole wide world inside of our hands
it took whole a lot of practice and some intricate plans
we let it all go it slipped away in the sand
I sold it all for free my fees didn't stand

Big K.R.I.T. - Good Foot by Pretty Much Amazing
download this Big K.R.I.T. song and the rest of the brand new mixtape for free from ashley outrageous. click HERE


  1. seems like you've had quite a journey and now you're back on track. i think people do appreciate the stuff you share on the net so you shouldn't be down about it. you're def respected @HRO and from your blog i found The Naked and Famous video that i've watched a ton of times. wishing you the best on your goals in 2k11.

  2. Agreed, I enjoy your comments. This shows me just a little bit more about yourself, and makes me glad that all twenty-somethings share a similar path. One day perhaps we'll reach enlightenment. Maybe we're already there.