Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A Short Story Pt. 2 Kara & Tara

//////ReAD///Pt. 1///FIRsT/////ClicK////HERE

About four days after the sledding accident I decided to move out of my parents house.  Tara and I started up our service again.  This was something I did over the years, usually as a secondary source of income.  I didn't really plan on getting into the business of pimping, although it did come naturally.  It kind of just found me.  It found me in the way you and your friend find yourself at the, "Iowa 80, worlds largest truck stop motel," Econo Lodge, with nowhere to go, no food, and no money(that's a whole other story)  We did have one valuable 'thing,' on hand, an attractive young lady.  And we were surrounded by a bunch of lonely, hungry for love, strung out men.  So we did the most rationale thing.  

I found out quickly the prostitution business is very lucrative.  The prostitution thing is a big part my relationship with Tara.  We had a thing years ago in middle school, but nothing in recent years.  We still talk, keep in touch and of course do business together.  I care for her mostly as a friend.  After that first deal we did, when we were broke and desperate, she has become nothing more than an item to sell.  I'll never know exactly what it is that enables her to sell her body to any random dude.  I always felt bad and thought it was probably attributed to some disfunction in her family, most likely the result of an absent father.  A short switch due to lack of attention, affection, and nurturing.  I never met her family or heard anything about them, so that is just a guess, but really, who knows.  It's apparent she likes to have sex and likes money.  And as a pimp, I treat her very well.  I never hit or abuse her, I split the profit from every "John," straight down the middle, and nobody else knows.  You would never guess at first glance that she was a whore.
I miss u and ur everything
I need u and ur nothing
I can't go on living this way.  I can no longer carry the weight of everything that has happened over the last five years.  My guilty conscious aches with lust, confusion, and co-dependency.   It's true these women know who each other are.  But Kara and Sara have no idea I've been in a relationship with Tara.   Even if it was just me selling her for sex, as far as they knew, we had not spoken in years.  So this was one thing.  The second thing was, the entire time Sara and I were together, I had been maintaining a relationship with Kara, via various forms of communication.  The third thing being, as deeply, madly in love with Kara as I think I am, I can't stop thinking about how pissed I am Sara is fucking Ronald and how devastating it is every time Tara adds a number to her "number."  I'm so confused, so conflicted, and so lost.  I'm not even sure I know what love is.  

I removed my last post on craigslist ten days ago.  I haven't heard from Tara since.  Sara wont answer my calls, texasis, or e-mails.  Kara and I are still speaking, but I feel like since the "official ending," of our relationship, three years ago when she left for school, I've been a selfish, rotten, lying piece of shit.  I don't even know what I would say to the three of them.  Most likely nothing of value.  Nothing that's going to make things better.  Nothing that's going to make everything alright.

I don't care, u think this is a game?
This is my life, this is my reality, welcome to my nightmare
I had a dream last night.  I had a dream that all men and women were created equal.  And that after this life, all men and women would be judged according to their actions in this life on earth.  There were no pearly gates, there was no larger than life being, with a long white beard and a gold staff, no angels, no hell, fire and brimstone.  It was only me, all alone.  I didn't even have a computer, or a pencil, or a legal pad.  I had a vision that I believe was an exact manifestation of myself in my truest form.  A quiet, lonely soul, who spent his gift of time only thinking of himself.  This dream I had is what has inspired me to come clean.  It's not only about me.  If I want any company in the afterlife, I'd better start respecting and appreciating the company I have in this life.  And if there isn't an afterlife, well, it makes my time and relationships here that much more important.  So here goes.              
I have thought a million times I'll just let this b
Every time I think of u I want u 4 only me
Dear Kara...........     

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Thursday, March 3, 2011

Whats love got to do with 'healthy' relationships. A short story. Pt. 1 an Introduction and Sara

It had been two weeks since I went sledding with my ex-girlfriend Sara and her new "friend," that's a boy. 10 days since I had removed the last classified ad, of my ex-girlfriend Tara, I posted on craigslist under "men seeking women."  I was alone in the same crusty motel room Tara had left me in 10 days earlier.  The 18" RCA tv, model # j2530bl, had been repeating the same 12 infomercials since she had hurled the remote, among other things, at my forehead.  She missed, hitting the walls covered in gaudy flowered wallpaper.  The remote was broke and the tv was stuck on channel 44info-blah.  I only kept the tv on, because ever since I was a kid it made me feel like I wasn't alone.  I feel a kinship with other people, that are out there, somewhere, watching the same thing I am.  Or maybe it's the comfort of seeing people.  This was the same reason I became obsessed with music, it gives me that similar feeling of security and companionship.  Bourbon was sufficient in doing the same.  Those vices and devices were always there for me, as long as I had a piece of technology or access to the internet.  

There I was, staring blankly into a glass of whiskey, scouring music blogs and shouting curse words at Patti Stannger, who had lost 70 lbs in 7 months using the "SENSA weight loss system."  Facebook messages, emails, and cancelled texasis filled my computer and phone.  I knew what needed to be confessed was serious and personal.  The average contents inside an instant message seem to lack personability and sincerity.  So I grabbed a pencil with no eraser, a yellow sheet of paper from a legal pad and began writing to Kara.  She was half way around the world studying abroad in Thailand.  This was seriously meaningful shit, hearts needed comfort, souls needed peace, and minds needed saving.  Explanations needed to become acceptance. acceptance needed to become forgiveness and we all needed a group hug via G-Chat.    

Out of the three girls in my story, Sara was the most transient.  Never sticking around any place longer than the time it takes a 20 year old to fall in love.  She was a globetrotter, cultured for her age.  A restless, independent, 'rolling stone.'  All three of them seemed to get around.  It makes it really hard to form any special bond or meaningful relationship when as soon as you get close to someone, they're leaving.  So as it goes, Sara and I began getting closer, much closer than we were growing up.  We had known each other for years, just as casual acquaintances.  But after Kara left for college, we started spending a lot of time together.  We moved in together, moving from Iowa to California to Washington back to California.  As we discussed our future together, and how we would travel the world, create authentic little children, save the world and all it's suffering people, and a bunch of other great things, I left out two little 'details.'  I never told her that I was still talking to Kara, who she knew as my high school sweetheart.  I never told her, that when we were in California, I had been pimping our old 'friend' Tara.  She new both these girls and grew up with them just as I did.  
I'm going somewhere rlly fast
I'm nowhere & I got here way 2 fast
We were together for about 6 months when she told me she would be leaving and moving to Australia.  I pleaded with her to stay.  I told her that I loved her.  I brought home an Orchid Cactus and we made love.  After a long talk and four consecutive spins of the Postal Service album "Give Up," I had convinced her to stay.  Things were getting hot and heavy.  I was thinking less about myself and more about her.  All that, while pimping Tara and having random texa-sexting sessions with Kara.  On a cold and rainy day in early November, a thick fog descended on our coastal port.  I disappeared for three days.  Throughout the half of a week I was gone, Sara started getting suspicious.  After not calling or showing up, absent for three days.  I soon returned and I didn't know what to say.  She told me she called all the jails and hospitals fearing the worst.  There was no excuse for my stunt, so I didn't give one.  She did ask where I was, and I said, "I got stuck up in the mountains, I'm sorry."  A week later she had printed out three months worth of texasis and two juicy e-mails where Kara and I had discussed being soul-mates, getting back together, and other intimate things.  She also found three receipts from various motels around the greater Eureka area.  She found the receipts while doing my laundry.  I'm guessing she got into my e-mails while I was gone those three days.  And I later found out, she got those texasis from begging our cell phone provider, making up an elaborate story as to why it was that she needed them.  

We got into huge fights every night for a couple of weeks.  She would loose her temper and throw shit like, shoes, random Buddhist ornaments and statues, plates, and knives.  One night the neighbors overheard us fighting and were apparently standing concerned at the front door while she was throwing butter knives covered in miracle whip, sending them twirling across the living room.  They called the cops and she went to Jail for "class 2 assault."  As soon as she got the bail money, wired from her Dad in New York, she was out and back at our house, packing her bags.  She told me she was leaving for real this time, moving with her co-worker Ronald to Oregon.  I had no idea she even had a male co-worker.  I thought she worked with a couple of other girls, in an office, for a Real-Estate Agent.  I was saddened, struck with a sudden depression.  All alone feeling the 416 miles of separation.  Overwhelmed with anxiety and loneliness.  We occasionally talked and texasid on the phone.  We wrote wall to wall on facebook.  We stayed in touch.  All the way up until she brought Ronald back to our Hometown in Ames, Iowa.  

I see u trembling yet ur still shaking hands
Ur far a way yet I'm still making plans

Two weeks ago they took a one-way flight to this shit hole.  She brought him over for a spaghetti dinner at my parents, where I was currently living.  I was jealous, but I never wanted to act like I cared as much as I really did.  We were always "just friends,"  who ended up getting a little more romantically involved than most friends.  After dinner we went sledding on bloody hill.  It's a huge hill on the west end of the Hughes-Lankford Cemetary.  The spot I always went sledding as a kid.  It's a steep hill down by the railroad tracks and the small winding creek.   At least one kid a winter would end up at the E.R.  I couldn't help but feel an overall hatred for this Ronald guy, who was a successful web-designer somewhere outside Portland.  A total fucking hipster, who I actually shared a lot in common with.  I met him first when she left with him from Eureka, in his Prius.  And now a second time, taking him to the hospital because his tibia had broken and was clearly sticking out of his lower leg.  It was pretty gross.  All the snow was stained red.  A large trail of blood led to my 4runner.  I made a joke and said, "well at least I'm not covered in yellow snow!"  Nobody laughed and I dropped them off at the hospital.  She said her mom would come to pick them up and everything was fine.  I said "ok."  Then, while Ronald was being led into the E.R.  I grabbed her ass and kissed her on the lips.  This was the last time I saw Sara.  I would say there are un-resolved issues, or lingering feelings, or a mutual hope of those dreams, we once shared, becoming our reality.  But I'm not writing a seriously genuine letter, on paper, to her.

I don't really know where I'm going with this yet.  Honestly the story has just begun.  I don't want to write it all in one post, so.....yeah.  Stay tuned or express interest in hearing pt. 2 feat. Tara the prostitute and Kara, my high-school sweetheart.  I know it's really long for a blog post, but I've had writers block for the past month.  I had to just let it out.  

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