About four days after the sledding accident I decided to move out of my parents house. Tara and I started up our service again. This was something I did over the years, usually as a secondary source of income. I didn't really plan on getting into the business of pimping, although it did come naturally. It kind of just found me. It found me in the way you and your friend find yourself at the, "Iowa 80, worlds largest truck stop motel," Econo Lodge, with nowhere to go, no food, and no money(that's a whole other story) We did have one valuable 'thing,' on hand, an attractive young lady. And we were surrounded by a bunch of lonely, hungry for love, strung out men. So we did the most rationale thing.
I found out quickly the prostitution business is very lucrative. The prostitution thing is a big part my relationship with Tara. We had a thing years ago in middle school, but nothing in recent years. We still talk, keep in touch and of course do business together. I care for her mostly as a friend. After that first deal we did, when we were broke and desperate, she has become nothing more than an item to sell. I'll never know exactly what it is that enables her to sell her body to any random dude. I always felt bad and thought it was probably attributed to some disfunction in her family, most likely the result of an absent father. A short switch due to lack of attention, affection, and nurturing. I never met her family or heard anything about them, so that is just a guess, but really, who knows. It's apparent she likes to have sex and likes money. And as a pimp, I treat her very well. I never hit or abuse her, I split the profit from every "John," straight down the middle, and nobody else knows. You would never guess at first glance that she was a whore.
I miss u and ur everything
I need u and ur nothing
I can't go on living this way. I can no longer carry the weight of everything that has happened over the last five years. My guilty conscious aches with lust, confusion, and co-dependency. It's true these women know who each other are. But Kara and Sara have no idea I've been in a relationship with Tara. Even if it was just me selling her for sex, as far as they knew, we had not spoken in years. So this was one thing. The second thing was, the entire time Sara and I were together, I had been maintaining a relationship with Kara, via various forms of communication. The third thing being, as deeply, madly in love with Kara as I think I am, I can't stop thinking about how pissed I am Sara is fucking Ronald and how devastating it is every time Tara adds a number to her "number." I'm so confused, so conflicted, and so lost. I'm not even sure I know what love is.
I removed my last post on craigslist ten days ago. I haven't heard from Tara since. Sara wont answer my calls, texasis, or e-mails. Kara and I are still speaking, but I feel like since the "official ending," of our relationship, three years ago when she left for school, I've been a selfish, rotten, lying piece of shit. I don't even know what I would say to the three of them. Most likely nothing of value. Nothing that's going to make things better. Nothing that's going to make everything alright.
I don't care, u think this is a game?
This is my life, this is my reality, welcome to my nightmare
I had a dream last night. I had a dream that all men and women were created equal. And that after this life, all men and women would be judged according to their actions in this life on earth. There were no pearly gates, there was no larger than life being, with a long white beard and a gold staff, no angels, no hell, fire and brimstone. It was only me, all alone. I didn't even have a computer, or a pencil, or a legal pad. I had a vision that I believe was an exact manifestation of myself in my truest form. A quiet, lonely soul, who spent his gift of time only thinking of himself. This dream I had is what has inspired me to come clean. It's not only about me. If I want any company in the afterlife, I'd better start respecting and appreciating the company I have in this life. And if there isn't an afterlife, well, it makes my time and relationships here that much more important. So here goes.
I have thought a million times I'll just let this b
Every time I think of u I want u 4 only me
Fleet Foxes - Grown Ocean from Fleet Foxes on Vimeo.
PAINS OF BEING PURE AT HEART -"HEART IN YOUR HEARTBREAK" via Pitchfork.tv
Chip Tha Ripper - The Entrance from illRoots.com on Vimeo.HERE